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CRIME DOES NOT PAY

by David Rhymer & Kris Demeanor

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    Mr. Crime has bootlegged this live recording of CRIME DOES NOT PAY for your ears alone..

    Hear how the trappings of success, the threat of censorship, and Bob’s possessive love of Violet make for one dangerous cocktail in CRIME DOES NOT PAY. Read more at downstage.ca/crime.shtml.

    All proceeds from this recording will go directly to the performers that brought this show to life!

    Photos taken by Tim Nguyen, Citrus Photography.
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1.
2.
NOW I HEARD THERE WAS A PERFECT CRIME WHERE VILLAINS DONNED THE IDEAL DISGUISE AND KEPT THEIR DEATHBED PROMISES TO ALL THEIR LAST ACCOMPLICES I HEARD THERE WAS A PERFECT CRIME WHERE FORTUNE, PLANS AND GUTS ALIGNED AND THE DARING DUO UNDER COVERS WHISPERED JUST BEFORE THE END “LOOK AT US – WE GOT AWAY WITH IT” WE GOT AWAY WITH IT I HEARD THERE WAS A PERFECT CRIME BUT AS IT IS I FEAR I’LL NEVER SEE ONE IN MY TIME THEY LOSE THEIR NERVE, DON’T HAVE THE HEART OR IT’S BADLY ORCHESTRATED FROM THE START I HEARD THERE WAS THE PERFECT CRIME WHERE NO ON GOT LAZY, DISTRACTED OR HIGH WHERE GUILT AND REPENTANCE REMAINED A VAPOUR NO GREED OR DESIRE TO TOP THE LAST CAPER THAT’S HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH IT THAT’S HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH IT ONE CUT, GUSHES BLOOD LEAVES A STAIN THAT GETS THE JOB UNDONE HOW HARD CAN IT BE KEEPING YOUR HANDS CLEAN AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT? HOW MANY TIMES IN THE MOMENT’S RUSH HAVE I THOUGHT, “YES, THIS ONE’S GOT THE GENIUS’? POOR SOULS, CAN’T YOU SEE? DECEPTION IS ITS OWN HONESTY
3.
Plans 03:22
PLANS SUN SHINES ALL DAY! BUT IT’S HARD TO GET EXCITED WHEN YOUR BACK IS BREAKING IN IT OTHERS SIT UNDER UMBRELLAS DRINKING COLD ICED TEA PEACE AND QUIET IT’S GOT ALL THE PEACE AND QUIET OF NOTHING HAPPENING PLANS! YOU DON’T MAKE PLANS, THE PLANS ARE LAID OUT WELL AHEAD, YOU FOLLOW THEM MY BEST BUDDY TED CROUCH WAS HANDY AS MARCONI, MADE A RING PERFECT FOR PLUMBING PITCHED IT TO A NEW YORK COMPANY, AND GOT THE PATENT STOLEN CAME HOME ON FIRE WHAT MONEY HE HAD LEFT WENT TO A HOPELESS FUCKING LAWYER BUT THE GUNSHOT DIDN’T KILL HIM, HE DIED WRITHING WITH INFECTION PLANS! YOU DON’T MAKE PLANS, THE PLANS ARE LAID OUT WELL AHEAD, YOU FOLLOW THEM MY DADDY, EUGENE! DECORATED IN THE WAR, MADE IT WORK AGAINST THE ODDS, HAD INSURANCE BUT INSURANCE DOESN’T COVER ACTS OF GOD GOT A FULL THREE YEARS, FOR CRIPPLING THE ASSESSOR HE GOT OUT AND WENT BACK AT HER, GOT RESPECT AND TURNED A PROFIT BUT THE MOLES ARE ALL MALIGNANT DARLING, WHAT WOULD ANY SANE MAN WITH AN INKLING OF AMBITION AND NO TOLERANCE FOR CAGES IN WIDE OPEN SPACES DO? MY LITTLE NIECE, LUCILLE THEY PUT UP DRAGONFLY WALLPAPER MADE THE DINING ROOM A NURSERY HAD A TRUNK OF HAND-ME-DOWNS BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY’VE BEEN SPRAYING SHE WAS ONE OF SEVEN CHILDREN IN THE AREA DELIVERED STILL AND NOW MY SISTER’S CATATONIC, ALL SHE DOES SOMETIMES IS CRY AND SAYS SHE NEVER EVEN SAW LUCILLE’S EYE PLANS! YOU DON’T MAKE PLANS, THE PLANS ARE LAID OUT WELL AHEAD YOU FOLLOW THEM
4.
NOT EVERY CHILD WHO READS THESE COMIC BOOKS BECOMES A DELINQUENT, TRUE ENOUGH IF WE INHALE TUBERCULOSIS BACTERIUM SOME WILL STAY SAFE, BUT SOME GET INFECTED WHY WOULD A YOUNG BOY TAKE A GUN SHOOT IT FROM HIS WINDOW AT THE STANDS OF A BASEBALL GAME WHY WOULD THAT SAME YOUNG BOY LAUGH AND BRAG TO HIS FRIENDS AND NOT BETRAY A SHRED OF REGRET? WHY WOULD GOOD KIDS DO THIS? WHAT HAVE THEY SEEN? CHILDREN ARE FLOWERS AND IF THE SOIL IS GOOD THEY WILL BURST FORTH STRONG AND TRUE ENOUGH IF THE SOIL IS SICK THEY GROW DEFORMED AND MALIGNANT HE MAY HAVE PULLED THE ITCHING TRIGGER BUT HIS HAND WAS NOT THE ONLY HAND WHY WOULD GOOD KIDS DO THIS? WHAT HAVE THEY SEEN?
5.
6.
Chameleon 04:40
I FELL FOR YOU, THE MAGAZINE TOLD ME TO AND YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF THE PAGE LIKE YOU WERE SELLING ME AN IRONING BOARD PULL OUT THE CHAIR, HOLD THE DOOR AND OFFER YOUR ARM DUMB LITTLE FISH BITING AT SPINNING SPOONS THE SCRIPT IS SO PERFECTLY HONED YOU ARE A PRINCE ‘TIL YOU GET ME ALONE YOU REEL AND TUG; SINKS IN FURTHER THE MORE I THRASH I HEAR YOU LAUGH WITH THE COP AT THE DOOR ‘I SWEAR, SHE WON’T CALL ANYMORE WE GOT DRUNK AND I WENT OVERBOARD’ ‘WELL, KEEP IT DOWN THEN, NEXT TIME, BUDDY BOY’ DADDY, THE MODEL OF COURTESY FULL OF BILE WITH A SMILE FOR ALL TO SEE ANYTHING GOES, ANYTHING TO SEAL THE DEAL SHOWS HIS BELOVED THE FLAT OF HIS HAND MOTHER IS MUM AND HAS A COUPLE MORE SHE WON’T MAKE A PEEP FOR FEAR OF WHAT LIES, WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE IN THE SKYSCRAPER, THEY SHAKE TO THE PARTNERSHIP SMILE WHILE THEY SWING THE NINE IRON AND PLAN FOR THE TAKE-OVER BID IN THE NATURAL WORLD, THE CHAMELEON FAKING AND FOOLING AND HIDING HARD WIRED TO PRETEND THAT HE’S SOMETHING HE’S NOT IN THE SKYSCRAPER, THEY SHAKE TO THE PARTNERSHIP SMILE WHILE THEY SWING THE NINE IRON AND PLAN FOR THE TAKE-OVER BID IN THE NATURAL WORLD, THE CHAMELEON FAKING AND FOOLING AND HIDING HARD WIRED TO PRETEND THAT HE’S SOMETHING HE’S NOT THE CHAMELEON – THE CHAMELEON – THE CHAMELEON
7.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HOOKED ME FIRST THE LIPS, THE LEGS, OR THAT SPECTACULAR RACK OF YOURS BUT THE ROOM WENT INTO SHOCK AND ALL OF THE FELLAS SO JEALOUS I BAGGED YOU YOU’RE NO BORING BRIDE BIMBO YOU CAN SAVE THE DAY WITH A CRACK OF THE WHIP WHILE THE BLUE BOYS SIGH ‘AIN’T THAT LADY FANTASTIK’ IT’S SO EASY TO DRAW A LADY THAT COULD MAKE THE HARDEST MAN HARDER I JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU SO LET’S DO THIS, LET’S ROLL LET THE GOOD TIMES TAKE THEIR TOLL I DON’T WANT YOU WEAK, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU EQUAL EITHER RINGLETS OF HAZEL HAIR LIGHT ON THE CREST OF THAT WIGGLING PEACH OF A DERRIERE FROM AN OUTLINE OF CHARCOAL GRAY I GET TO DRESS YOU ANYWAY THAT I FANCY YOU’RE NO TROPHY FOR SCOUNDRELS YOU CAN LASSO THE MUGGER WHILE PAINTING YOUR NAILS WHILE EVERY RED BLOODED BOY IN AMERICA CHECKS OUT YOUR DETAILS IT’S SO EASY TO DRAW A LADY THAT COULD MAKE THE HARDEST MAN HARDER I JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU SO LET’S DO THIS, LET’S ROLL LET THE GOOD TIMES TAKE THEIR TOLL I DON’T WANT YOU WEAK, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU EQUAL EITHER IT’S SO EASY TO DRAW A LADY THAT COULD MAKE THE HARDEST MAN HARDER I JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU SO LET’S DO THIS, LET’S ROLL LET THE GOOD TIMES TAKE THEIR TOLL I DON’T WANT YOU WEAK, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU EQUAL EITHER I DON’T WANT YOU WEAK, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU EQUAL EITHER I DON’T WANT YOU WEAK, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU EQUAL EITHER
8.
Nothing Nice 02:01
PULL OUT MY CHAIR, OPEN MY DOOR FOLLOW THE SCRIPT OF EVERY NICE GUY BEFORE FLATTERY AND FLOWERS, AND WHAT A PERK! OVER DINNER I HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR WORK ROMANTIC FLICK, WALK IN THE PARK, BEG FOR A HAND JOB IN THE CAR LET’S GET MARRIED, FAT AND BITTER PUNISH ME AND SCREW THE SITTER LIKE THE NICE GUY THAT YOU ARE! NOW YOU MAY THINK I WANT IT STRAIGHT AND SQUARE CUT OUT PAPER DONKEYS AT THE HARVEST FAIR I DON’T TRUST GUYS WHO PAMPER THEIR DAME I’VE SEEN HOW DOGS GET MEAN WHEN THEY’RE LAME SO, RUN ALONG AND FIND YOURSELF A PEACH WHO DREAMS ABOUT A VALIUM ROMANCE BUY A HALLMARK VALENTINE YOU SHOW HER YOURS, AND SHE’LL RESIGN TO THAT NICE GUY SONG AND DANCE THIS PERFECT PUNK, DON’T GIVE A FUCK COULD BUMP A NICE GUY OFF HIS CHICK WITH A LOOK DANGER AND PAIN ALWAYS EXPOSED LIKE A VOLCANO ALMOST READY TO BLOW NOTHING TO LOSE, EVERYTHING TO PROVE HOLD ME DOWN AND KEEP ME TIED I’LL TELL YOU GIRLS NOW HEED MY WARNING WIMPY, INSECURE AND BORING NOTHING NICE ABOUT A, NOTHING NICE, NOTHING NICE ABOUT A, NOTHING NICE, NOTHING NICE ABOUT A NICE GUY!
9.
AM I A COILED UP SNAKE IN YOUR MIND? HAVE I FOREVER LIVED HERE? BUBBLING IN THAT LITTLE BOY BRAIN THROUGHOUT TIME? UNEARTH AND POLISH THE LAMP AWAKEN EVERY DEMON FORGET THAT TIRED, EASY SELL LET’S GO MINING DEEPER INTO HELL LET’S WRING EVERY DIME FROM EACH NIGHTMARE YOU’RE DYING TO TELL YOU’RE A PAINT BRUSH POISED FOR GLORY I’M A BLANK PAGE WAITING FOR INK
10.
The Formula 02:49
THE FORMULA IS GOOD A COP, A KILLER, A GUN AND A GIRL BUT GUTS AND GORE AIN’T ENOUGH, IT’S A BUST CATCHIN’ SOME CHUMP AND LOCKIN’ HIM UP I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT IT AIN’T A CREAM PUFF IN TIGHTS AND A MASK THE REAL HEROES TODAY KNOW THAT JUSTICE IS BLIND AND THE LAW’S A DEAD END FANTASY SPINNERS ADD A FIRE TO THE DULL WORK-A-DAY YOU GOT THE SHORT STRAW AGAIN GET REVENGE WITH SOME BAD BUXOM BABE WE’RE MAKING ‘EM PAY! WE’LL GIVE EM WHAT THEY WANT TWICE THE ACTION AND DOUBLE THE SKIN YOU’LL BE SURVEYING THE SPOILS FROM A PENTHOUSE WITH A CUBAN IN YOUR HAND AND AN ACTRESS ON YOUR ARM CRAMMED FULL OF MURDER CARNAGE, BLOOD, SHOCK AND AWE BIG BLOOD RED ‘CRIME’ ON THE FRONT OUR HOTSHOT CROOKS HAVE A POINT AND WE WANT WHAT THEY WANT DON’T MOVE OR I’M GONNA SHOOT! A DOSE OF REALITY, THE CRIME PAYS FORMULA RED BLOODED, AXE GRINDING ROBBERS AND HOODS WE’RE FINALLY TELLING YOU ALL TRUE STORIES FULL COLOUR SPLASHES BULLETS FLYING, FLESH TORN AWAY A NICE WHIFF OF SEX ON THE SIDE WITH A GOOD GIRL GONE BAD ON EVERY PAGE DON’T MOVE OR I’M GONNA SHOOT! TAKE A BIG DOSE OF THE CRIME PAYS FORMULA WISE GUYS ON THEIR WAY TO THE TOP LET ME ORDER YOU ALL TRUE STORIES OF HOODLUMS AND SCANDAL AND MAYHEM AND MAKE THE DEAR READER WISH THEY WERE RIDING RIGHT WITH THEM!
11.
YES, I CONCEDE IT’S WHAT WE DO, 1492, SHOOT THE ARAWAK AND SIC POX ON THE SIOUX, POCKET CHANGE AND FUN CUT OUT SIXTY MILLION TONGUES, REDWOOD, OAK, AT EVERY TURN, SLASH AND BURN IT’S WHAT WE DO, GO TO PORTS ACROSS THE SEA AND HARVEST MEN WITH MUSCLES BARE TO TOIL IN OUR NEW EDEN, WITH RELUCTANCE GRANTING FREEDOM, WHIP AND SHACKLE, SLASH AND BURN BUT THOUGH IT MAY BE WHAT WE DO, ALL THAT HISTORY TENDS TO PROVE IS BEHIND EVERY MAN WITH MUTED MORALS STANDS A SILENT WOMAN TODAY, WITH URGENCY I SAY AFTER RAZING NATURE’S MAJESTY MEN ARE TILLING FIELDS OF POISON IN ITS PLACE, THERE IS NO PRECEDENT FOR THIS, VIRULENCE DESCENDING DOWN UPON THE INNOCENT. AN INDUSTRY WHOLLY DEVOTED TO VIOLENCE, A TORRENT OF GUNS BLAZING, BLOOD PUDDLES AND TORTURINGS-TO-DEATH AND WHO ARE THE TARGETS? YOUR CHILDREN, THE HOPE OF THE NATION, DEGRADATION OF SOULS AS FRAGILE PSYCHES FALL WITH EVERY LOOK, THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY? THE COMIC BOOK! SPRAY THE FIELD AND WE WILL SAVE THE CROP THE YIELD PRISTINE NO EVIL PEST ESCAPE CORPSES, KICKING, PUNCHING, STABBING, CHESTY WOMEN BURNED AND STRANGLED, SEE THE FLAW THAT OVERRIDES COMMON SENSE IN THE HUMAN MIND CONNECTING SEX AND VIOLENCE. PUBLISHERS OF PULP KNOW FULL WELL PICTURE LANGUAGE PENETRATES THE CHILD’S MIND, FOR THEREIN LIES A WEAK SPOT WHERE IMPULSES PRIMITIVE, LIKE SPORES OF DEADLY NIGHTSHADES HIDE. ADOLESCENT DREAMERS TURN TO THUGS AND SCHEMERS. SEDUCTION OF THE INNOCENT, AS CALCULATED AS THE PLANS FOR ANY HEIST OR MURDER SPRAY THE FIELD AND WE WILL SAVE THE CROP THE YIELD PRISTINE NO EVIL PEST ESCAPE THE RAGS RUN ADS THAT THREATEN AND HUMILIATE THE CHILD, MAKE THEM CRAVE THE EASY LIFE. ERODE RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY, PARENTS, POLICE. THEN WE BLAME THE CHILD, GET TOUGH ON CRIME, PRIME THEM LIKE A LAMB, A SACRIFICE TO GODLESS PROFITEERS. WHAT FATHER IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD GIVE A BOY A MANUAL ON HOW TO BEAT THEIR FUTURE WIVES AND ROB THEIR FUTURE NEIGHBOURS BLIND? BUY A SWITCHBLADE, KIDS! LEARN TO USE A PELLET GUN! CRIME MAY NOT PAY, BUT IT SURE IS FUN! SPRAY THE FIELD AND WE WILL SAVE THE CROP THE YIELD PRISTINE NO EVIL PEST ESCAPE SPRAY THE FIELD OR SEE THE CHILDREN FALL HARVESTED BY EVERY SCYTHE OF GREED
12.
YOU EAGER, EAGER BOY YOU COULD AT LEAST APPRECIATE THE COST OF ALL THE SILK YOU TOSEED ON THE FLOOR AND WHILE I’M CHARMED BY YOUR HOMERUN ADMISSIONS THERE ARE POSITIONS IT SEEMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE BEATEN UP A BIT GET YOU ANGRY LIKE THE REST OF THEM WHEN YOU’RE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE WHEN YOU’RE THE BRAINS AND THE SEX YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IT’S EASY TO DRAW WHO’S IN CHARGE AND SORRY, THAT LOVE SEAT’S ELECTRIC THE ONLY STRINGS ATTACHED FOR ME ARE TO YOUR HANDS, YOU HEAD, YOUR FEET AND YOUR PRICK It’s your typical scoundrel’s estate Like the man, it tries to intimidate Long driveway, dog, a gate, gargoyles, and a pool A bone will postpone an attack And I still have a key to the back We’ll go together at eight when he has his cognac and cigar He’ll be ‘reading’ in the billiards room With a floosie bent over the table It’s easier sneaking up when the belt is undone Pick a drawer, there’s a revolver in every one Been sick too long to be immunized It’s justice if it’s justified And soon enough the law is gonna catch up We’ll make love in front of the bastard while he’s tied up Clear the safe, light a fire, and go to the Hilton for lunch A bat to the mistress’s skull as I gasp at the crunch Stagger the drops, Bamboozle the cops, it turns out that nobody cares at the end of the day Takes a crime to get that kind of criminal out of the way … GET YOURSELF A SHINE AND A SHAVE IT’S BETTER TO LOOK AT ODDS WITH HOW WE BEHAVE WITH ALL THESE TREASURES TO FIND AND FILCH AND FUCK LOOK GOOD WHILE YOU’RE LIFTING THE LID OFF THE TRUNK AND ANY FOOL CAN SURVIVE A WAR BUT WHO CAN SAY THEY MADE A PARTY OF DODGING THE ARROWS MY EAGER, EAGER BOY, I’M LIKE YOU NOBODY CHOSE THIS LIFE FOR ME I WRITE MY OWN STORY WE’RE GODS OF OUR OWN STORY
13.
HEY BUDDY, I KNOW YOUR NAME GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, SIR I’M A FAN OF YOUR WORK, SIR AT FIRST I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AROUND THINKING SOMEBODY’S GONNA FIGURE THIS OUT PICTURES ARE MY FARMER’S SEED GIVING EVERYBODY WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS JEALOUSY FLIRTING WITH FIRE AVARICE MAKING A FORTUNE EVERYTHING’S COMING UP GREEN EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES WOLF WHISTLES HOWL THE POUR IS ALWAYS THREE FINGERS THERE’S AN ART TO BEING YOUNG FORGET THE CHAPEL AND THE RING WHAT NAUGHTY LITTLE TRICKS WILL THE LIQUOR BRING IT’S SO SPECIAL HAVING FRIENDS EVEN BETTER WHEN THEY’RE DYING OF ENVY JEALOUSY FLIRTING WITH FIRE AVARICE MAKING A FORTUNE EVERYTHING’S COMING UP GREEN EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES I GOTTA SAY IT’S A JOY I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR A WHILE NOW IT’S NOT ABOUT ME ANYMORE I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT I’VE NEVER BEEN PROUDER OR FELT SO ALIVE MY FAVOURITE PART IS CHANGING THEM HIS FIRST WORDS WERE “DON’T SAY A WORD OR YOU’RE DEAD!” THEY SAID I WASTED MY TIME COPYING ALL THE MASTERS BUT THOSE AXE GRINDING BASTARDS ARE LIQUID GOLD STRAIGHT FROM YOUR PEN DARK DARTS INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN INFECTING EVERY VIRGIN MIND CASHING ALL THE CHEQUES ON A HARLOT’S BEHIND JEALOUSY FLIRTING WITH FIRE AVARICE MAKING A FORTUNE EVERYTHING’S COMING UP GREEN EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES JEALOUSY FLIRTING WITH FIRE AVARICE MAKING A FORTUNE EVERYTHING’S COMING UP GREEN/SPRAY THE FIELDS AND WE WILL SAVE THE CROP EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES EVERYTHING’S COMING UP CORPSES EVERYTHING’S COMING UP.
14.
WHERE YOU FROM MYSTERY MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE A BIG SHOT I AM A BIG SHOT THAT’S GOOD, ‘CAUSE I WOULDN’T FALL FOR NO TINHORN ROMEO YOU AND I COULD REALLY GO PLACES, WE’LL SEE LET’S MERELY MAKE BELIEVE KEEP IT ALL ONLY IN FUN SHARE IN MAKING A KILLING CARING FOR NOTHING LOOK OUT, CAUSE I’M GONNA SWEEP THIS LITTLE FILLY OFF HER FEET I DON’T RIDE WITH STRANGERS WHO SAYS WE’RE GONNA BE STRANGERS YOU AND I COULD REALLY GO PLACES, WE’LL SEE LET’S MERELY MAKE BELIEVE KEEP IT ALL ONLY IN FUN SHARE IN MAKING A KILLING CARING FOR NOTHING LOOK BABY I’VE GOT THE NOSE OF A BLOODHOUND ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE A DOG? I SUPPOSE THAT YOU COULD SAY I’M PROTECTIVE AND I’M LOYAL YOU AND I COULD REALLY GO PLACES, WE’LL SEE LET’S MERELY MAKE BELIEVE KEEP IT ALL ONLY IN FUN SHARE IN MAKING A KILLING CARING FOR NOTHING PROMISING EVERYTHING EVERY LAST PASSION IN HISTORY ORPHEUS EURYDICE TRISTAN ISOLDE CLEOPATRA AND ANTHONY THE SHELLEYS THE BROWNINGS ADONIS APHRODITE RHETT BUTLER O’HARA APOLLO DAPHNE GUINEVERE LANCELOT SAMPSON DELILAH THROUGH POISON AND WAR AND DECEPTION AND ILLNESS AND MURDER AND JEALOUSY STILL IN THEIR BEDS FROM THEIR PENS, THEY CAN PROMISE ETERNITY, LOVE ME ETERNALLY, ARE YOU ENOUGH FOR ME? WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE CASH? WHEN MY FLOWER IS FADING? YOU’RE THE SMOKING BARREL AND YOU’LL ALWAYS BE WANTED YOU AND I COULD REALLY GO PLACES, WE’LL SEE LET’S MERELY MAKE BELIEVE KEEP IT ALL ONLY IN FUN SHARE IN MAKING A KILLING CARING FOR NOTHING
15.
SILENT, NEVER SILENCED THE DARK PUSHED DOWN, FOUND A WAY INTO YOUR SOUL YOU CAME BACK BROKEN, COULDN’T FACE THE FAMILY SHAME OUR PRECIOUS GIRL, WHEN I WIN THE WAR, THEY WILL KNOW YOUR NAME WE ALWAYS HAD THE BOND OF FEAR BETWEEN AND LEANED ON SISTER’S BREAST I KNEW YOU HAD TO RUN WHEN DADDY LOST IT I KISSED YOU GOOD LUCK AND YOU LEFT OVER AND OVER AND OVER YOU DANCE FOR EVERY DIVE OVER AND OVER A NEW SAVIOUR PROMISING THE SKIES I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A TICKET AND PLUCKED OUT THEIR EYES SILENT, NEVER SILENCED THE DARK PUSHED DOWN, FOUND A WAY INTO YOUR SOUL YOU CAME BACK BROKEN, COULDN’T FACE THE FAMILY SHAME ‘OUR PRECIOUS GIRL’, WHEN I WIN THE WAR, THEY WILL KNOW YOUR NAME HOW COULD I STAND BACK AND HOPE TO SAVE YOU PRAYING TO AN ABSENT GOD A DANCE BECAME A TRICK BECAME A SHOT OF CONSOLATION IN YOUR ARM OVER AND OVER AND OVER WE SEE OUR SISTERS PLAY THROUGH DARKENED DOORS WITH BLOODLUST AND COLD CASH HOLDING SWAY LET US STORM AND CASTLE AND TAKE THESE TEMPTATIONS AWAY SILENT, NEVER SILENCED THE DARK PUSHED DOWN, FOUND A WAY INTO YOUR SOUL YOU CAME BACK BROKEN, COULDN’T FACE THE FAMILY SHAME ‘OUR PRECIOUS GIRL’.. CARVED NEXT TO YOUR NAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER I COULDN’T KEEP YOU CLEAR OF ALL THE GAPING JAWS THAT CAME TO PREY UPON YOUR FEARS YOU ARE NOW A WHISPER AND THEY’RE STILL HERE SO WHAT IS ROTTEN, EVIL CRETIN? WHAT IS ROTTEN IN YOUR MIND? I AM FOLLOWING THE STENCH THAT LEADS TO YOU I’LL CRAWL INTO YOUR BED WHERE I WILL SHARPEN ALL MY BLADES HACK, SLICE AND FILLET MY WAY TO SOMETHING AND EVERYTHING YOU’VE BOUGHT AND FUCKED AND KILLED AND BOUGHT AND FUCKED AND KILLED AND BOUGHT AND FUCKED AND KILLED UNTIL NOW WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AGAIN
16.
THE LATE, FAT KUBLAI KHAN PUT HORSEMEN ON BOATS TO PILLAGE JAPAN UNWINDING WITH HIS CONCUBINES IN A GOUTY FUNK OF FERMENTED GOAT MILK SUNK BY KAMIKAZE WINDS THE KHAN’S MEN TRIED AND SUNK AGAIN HE SPILLED THE SECRETS OF HIS COURT TO THE CHINESE EMPLOYEES SATISFACTION’S A SLIPPERY FISH AND WHEN YOU GET IT THEN YOU GUT IT A MILLION WAYS TO FUCK UP SOMETHING GOOD LOOK, THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE IN A MAN’S WORLD CATHERINE WAS GREAT RUSSIA WAS PULLED FROM ITS MEDIEVAL STUPOR BUYING ART FROM ALL THE MASTERS PEN PALS WITH VOLTAIRE LOOSE WITH MORE THAN THE PUBLIC PURSE KATE GAVE HER LOVER COMMAND OF POLAND LET ANOTHER LOVER PLAN TO SACK RAJISTAN HER LAST LOVER WAS A CLUMSY HORSE SATISFACTION’S A SLIPPERY FISH AND WHEN YOU GET IT THEN YOU GUT IT A MILLION WAYS TO FUCK UP SOMETHING GOOD LOOK, THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE ELEVEN BANKS, 300 GRAND, JOHN HERBERT DILLINGER, MY MAIN MAN ESCAPED PRISON TWICE, KILLED SEVEN POLICE, PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE JOHNNY JUST LOVED SPILLING HIS BEANS TO A STRING OF DARK EYED SEÑORITAS HE WENT TO A MOVIE WITH THE WOMAN IN RED AFTER SHE TIPPED OFF 40 FEDS SATISFACTION’S A SLIPPERY FISH AND WHEN YOU GET IT THEN YOU GUT IT A MILLION WAYS TO FUCK UP SOMETHING GOOD LOOK, THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE YOU COULD BE THE MOB, BOB, THEY RUN A TIGHT SHIP HIDING ALL THEIR LOSERS IN A FAMILY OR SYNDICATE YOU COULD BE THE SENATOR’S PEN DUMPING TOXIC WASTE INTO THE HUDSON THE GIN IN A SPEAKEASY STILL NAZI DOCTORS SAFE IN BRAZIL NOW, WHO CAN EVEN SAY WHAT’S CRIMINAL? WHO CAN EVEN SAY SATISFACTION’S A SLIPPERY FISH AND WHEN YOU GET IT THEN YOU GUT IT A MILLION WAYS TO FUCK UP SOMETHING GOOD LOOK, THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE WHAT HAVE THEY SEEN? THIS TRAVESTY CAN BE ABATED WITH A PEN I KNOW YOUR WIVES AND YOUR CONSTITUENTS WILL THANK YOU FOR THIS
17.
No More 03:19
ALRIGHT, YOUNG MAN, YES, THEY CAN BE LEANING IN BUT NOT TOUCHING NO NO, THIS CANDLESTICK- IT COULD BE WEAPONRY OR SOMETHING SUGGESTIVE THIS SKIRT’S TOO SHORT, YOU CAN’T SHOW THE KNEES SHE’S NOT A WHORE, PLESAE SEE ARTICLE THREE NO MORE, NO MORE SEE HERE, THEY’RE TOO YOUNG TO BE ALONE, MAKE IT A GROUP AFFAIR HOW ABOUT I PUT THE LOT IN WOOL SWEATERS AND JUST HAVE THEM STANDING THERE? THIS TWISTED SOUL’S HAVING TOO MUCH FUN NO VAMPIRES, GHOULS OR CANNIBALISM NO MORE, NO MORE BASIC BIOLOGY, NO GIRL COULD POSSIBLY HAVE THESE DIMENSIONS AND HE’S PERSPIRING, NOW YOU TELL ME JUST HOW HE’S BEEN EXERTING HIMSELF MAYBE HE’S HELPING HER HOP OVER A BROOK AND IN HIS HAND SHE FINDS HIS SEVERED COCK NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE POLLUTING WITH YOUR BLOOD, RAPE, AND GORE THE IMPRESSION HERE – THIS BOY IS CLEARLY DEFYING HIS FATHER AND IT’S MIDDAY, IS THERE A REASON THAT HE’S NOT IN CLASSES? IS THIS CUT SELF SUSTAINED OR IN FACT IS BLOOD SPILT BECAUSE OF A VIOLENT ACT? NO MORE, NO MORE SPRAY THE FIELD WITH A DOSE OF PARANOIA WHY SHINE THE APPLE WHEN IT’S ROTTEN TO THE CORE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS LIKE PUTTING A RACEHORSE IN A RAT CAGE AND THIS BED – IT’S CLEAR TO ME BOTH THESE PILLOWS ARE INDENTED I HOPE THE DINER’S TAKING RESUMES YOU’LL HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN ONE DAY NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE POLLUTING WITH YOUR BLOOD AND RAPE AND GORE SPRAY THE FIELD WITH A DOSE OF PARANOIA NO MORE, NO MORE WHY SHINE THE APPLE WHEN IT’S ROTTEN TO THE CORE? NO MORE, NO MORE!
18.
Killer Ride 02:36
19.
Vesuvius 04:13
QUICKER COMES DARKNESS, WILD IS THE GARDEN THE FLING NEAR FORGOTTEN, FEELS LIKE AUGUST AGAIN ANOTHER SCHOOL WHERE NOTHING STICKS BUT STORIES OF VESUVIUS THE DOGS AND THE CHILDREN, THEY KNOW SHE’S STIRRING AGAIN BUT THE VILLAGE SLEEPS WITH NERVOUS DREAMS THE ASH THAT FILLED THE LUNGS OF POMPEII MADE THE GROUND RICH TODAY ONE TIME I KNEW THAT FOLLOWING YOU WOULD MEAN BEING TURNED AROUND INTO THE CLOUD, INTO THE CLOUD YOUNG ONLY ONCE, ONLY EVER YOUNG THESE ARE MY PEOPLE, WHAT WILL COME, WILL COME AND THOUGH I’VE DREAMED OUTSIDE THE RED ZONE, HOW DO YOU LEAVE ALL YOU’VE EVER KNOWN? ONE TIME I KNEW THAT FOLLOWING YOU WOULD MEAN BEING TURNED AROUND INTO THE CLOUD, INTO THE CLOUD WHAT SWEETER BACKDROP TO A ROMANCE THAN DOOM, WHEN BOREDOM IS THE TRUE ENEMY?* AND FOR ETERNITY A PLASTER RELIEF OF TWO LOVERS EMBRACING ONE TIME I KNEW THAT FOLLOWING YOU WOULD MEAN BEING TURNED AROUND INTO THE CLOUD, INTO THE CLOUD ONE TIME I KNEW BUT THEY BUILD ON THE SIDE OF VESUVIUS STILL THEY ALWAYS WILL. WE ALWAYS WILL. *'boredom is the true enemy'- Geoff Berner
20.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME OUR IMAGINATIONS RAN WILD? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HOT WIRED THE GETAWAY CAR? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID ‘LET’S KIDNAP THAT GIRL?’ WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SCREAMED WHILE YOU PULLED OUT HIS TEETH? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED A HOT BANK CLERK FOR ME? SMOKES? HAVE A SMOKE! WHAT TIME IS IT? IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS AND IF IT DID, WE’D HAVE A WATCH AN HEIRLOOM FOR THE GRANDSON KIND OF WATCH? GO BACK OUTSIDE? I’D RATHER DIE. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SHOWED ME OFF AT CHEZ PAUL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE FAN MAIL WAS PILED ON THE STEP? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE BLEW HALF A GRAND AT THE TRACK? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A CHRISTMAS CARD CAME FROM THE BANK? DRINK? WELL HERE’S TO YOU. WHEN DOES THE STORE CLOSE? IT DOESN’T MATTER THERE ARE MORE BOTTLES THAN PROMISES AND IF WE’RE DRY, I’VE GOT A FRIEND A ‘BE THERE IN HALF AN HOUR KIND OF FRIEND’? GO BACK OUTSIDE? I’D RATHER DIE! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT ROME? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SNICKERED WHEN I PROPOSED? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DIDN’T TASTE BOOZE ON YOUR TONGUE? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ETERNITY FELT SO FUCKIN’ LONG? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN TRIED TO GET ME HARD? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DIDN’T JUST BLAME THE WORLD? WHEN WAS THAT LAST TIME YOU WEREN’T SO HARD TO GET HARD? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAID YOU COULD GO NO QUESTIONS ASKED? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOUR REFLEXES BEAT OUT YOUR BRAIN? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU COULDN’T JUST LET THAT LIE? LIES? LET’S TALK LIES! OR LET YOUR FISTS DO THE TALKING? DON’T BE CRAZY, I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU BABE- BUT IF YOU LEAVE- WHAT? I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I’m going outside Don’t even try You’re on your own, put that down You’ve sucked me dry You’re sick, eleven days in here, it stinks, you’re drunk, you’ve lost your mind, let me go, that bitch was right What was what? Eleanor Flood, let me out, useless women, heartless men, ha ha ha, all in fun You signed off on every one, had everything Move, I’m done Why the hard time? I’m going outside, I’m going outside, put that down, let me outside I’d- rather- die.
21.
MR. EXECUTIONER TAKE THIS LIFE AWAY FROM ME I’M A SINNER, AND I DON’T DESERVE YOUR SYMPATHY TAKE ME DOWN TO THE DARK BELOW I HAVE KILLED MY LOVE NOW I REAP WHAT I SOW PASSION IN THE FIRST DEGREE PLEASE MR. JUDGE TAKE ME TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR FLICK THE SWITCH, PULL THE PLUG I WANNA GET AWAY FROM HERE ‘CAUSE I’M A LOST SOUL WITHOUT A HOME WHEN YOU KILL YOUR LOVE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW SOMEONE HAD A PLAN FOR ME HEY MR. WOOD TELL US WHAT YOU’RE SEEING THERE DID IT WASH IN ON THE FLOOD OR IS IT HANGING EVERYWHERE BECAUSE IT’S TRUE EVERY STORY’S TRUE YOU WILL KILL YOUR LOVE AND MAKE A BUCK TOO SOMEONE HAD A PLAN FOR YOU
22.
BABOON EATS THE OSTRICH EGG EGGS TASTE BETTER THAN GRUBS ANTS TAKE PUPAE OF ANOTHER SPECIES AND BRING THEM BACK TO HEADQUARTERS ANOTHER WORKER FOR THEIR WORKFORCE SPERM WHALE LETS THE BOATS FISH AND FEASTS WHEN THE LINES ARE TAUT JACKDAW ROBS THE CORMORANT SEAGULL CHEATS THE JACKDAW BEFORE IT EVEN PLUCKS THE EYES WHY ARE WE SURPRISED? WHAT’S LEFT AFTER INSTINCT HAS HAD ITS WAY? WHY ARE WE SURPRISED? EVOLUTION HOLDS BEAUTY AT BAY RAISE A GOBLET TO THE CUNNING AND FERAL- THE VICTORIOUS OFTEN START OFF IN THE SHADOWS BUZZARD DESCENDS ON FESTERING FLESH HYENA SIMPLY SPOILS FOR A FIGHT THE RAT, THE CROW, THE COCKROACH OVERWHELM WITH SHEER NUMBERS AND ENDLESS APPETITE WHY ARE WE SURPRISED? SURVIVAL, NOT OF THE FITTEST OF THE DRAB OPPORTUNIST OF THE SHALLOW AND VICIOUS AND UGLY AND LONELY AND BITTER EXHAUSTED AND HOPELESS AND TWISTED LAZY, ANGRY, HORNY, VENGEFUL, HATEFUL, GLOOMY HUMAN! HUMAN.

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ORIGINAL CAST

Kris Demeanor - Mr. Crime & Guitar
Devin MacKinnon - Bob Wood & Guitar
Jamie Konchak - Violet Page & Bass
Lennette Randall - Eleanor Flood & Conga
David Rhymer - Marvin Shade & Keyboard
Selina Wong - Ensemble, Keyboard & Percussion
André Wickenheiser - Ensemble, Trumpet & Percussion

The World Premiere of Crime Does Not Pay was co-produced by Downstage and Forte Musical Theatre with the generous support of Hit & Myth Productions March 2-11, 2017 in the Engineered Air Theatre, Arts Commons, Calgary. For more information, visit downstage.ca/crime.shtml.

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released May 31, 2017

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Crime Does Not Pay Calgary, Alberta

ORIGINAL CAST

Kris Demeanor - Mr. Crime & Guitar
Devin MacKinnon - Bob Wood & Guitar
Jamie Konchak - Violet Page & Bass
Lennette Randall - Eleanor Flood & Conga
David Rhymer - Marvin Shade & Keyboard
Selina Wong - Ensemble, Keyboard & Percussion
André Wickenheiser - Ensemble, Trumpet & Percussion
... more

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